Eiji's Grace

“Uh… the boss said you can meet him at his place. One of our boys will lead you there.”

The messenger seemed just as stunned as Cain Blood and his men, rubbing his head before tossing his keys to one of the guys across the room. It’s all suspicious as hell for sure, and only the weight of Ash Lynx’ name pushes him to accept the offer. Walking through the gilded Manhattan high-rise lobby feels like walking through a portal to another reality. Why would Ash invite him into this pit of the filthy rich? It doesn’t seem like the usually stealthy leader, to flex for no reason. Is this some sort of elaborate trap?

His confusion morphs into a tired annoyance when a middle-aged, upper-class lady, decked in a red suit-dress, kitten heels, bad makeup and an obviously dyed blond coif approaches them with that look.

“Excuse me, gentlemen, but are you perhaps lost? The gym here is for tenants only. I know this city can be intimidating to navigate, but I’d be happy to help such gorgeous young men find their way!”

Her faux kindness elicits disgusted scowls from all three men.

“How do you know I’m not supposed to be here?” whispers Cain, an undercurrent of rage simmering so close to the surface... The lady, taking this as a genuine question instead of a veiled barb, relaxes.

“Well, I live here, and I pay attention to the community- there’s a certain… haute qualité about this patrons of this building.” She says it so proudly. “It’s something that only the trained eye can see, honed by generations.”

Cain is ready to set this lady and her ‘trained eye’ alight when a younger, muscular man in a suit approaches them. The lady seems validated by his presence until the man blatantly ignores her and bows lightly in front of Cain.

“I apologize for the inconvenience, sirs. I’ll lead you to your location myself.”

When he waves the haughty woman out of the way, her jaw drops in shock.

“Surely this isn’t right!” she presses on, determined to be the victor in this pointless altercation. Cain turns back, walking forward and leaning right into her space.  

“Haute qualité?” He scornfully looks her up and down for extra effect. “Salope, je m’en fous.”

(Cain fluently speaks English, French, and Spanish. His grandma on his Mama’s side was French Creole, quick witted with a tongue of hellfire. The curse is a gentle shove in comparison to some of the things he’s heard.) The woman chokes on her tongue in indignation as they smugly make their way to the elevators.

When he arrives at Ash’s door, Kong and Bones- two of Ash’s closest men- stand at the door sheepishly yet sturdy, expectant. After a cursory pat down, Kong nods and opens the door. Cain isn’t sure what to expect- that infamous Smith and Wesson in his face, a mafia meeting, the police? After that start to the day, he’s on edge.

The lovely aroma of vanilla momentarily settles his spirit, before throwing him completely for a second time today.

“I’m so confused, boss,” murmurs one of his men, visibly shaken. Before Cain can reassure him, Eiji shuffles out with a wide smile.

“Hello, Cain and friends! Please, leave your shoes at the door, and then follow me!”

As if in the twilight zone, they tentatively follow the directions. They are led to sit at a large meeting table, a gigantic TV hanging up at the end wall and a small colorful cube speaker that plays pop music quietly. Cain sits while his men stand guard at the door, staring down Kong and Bones. Unbothered by the palpable tension in the room, a jovial Eiji sets down a plate of vanilla iced cake and a carafe of coffee. It isn’t until he takes a plate each to all four guards that Cain realizes- Eiji must have been the one to receive his notice and make this call.

“Ash is busy at the moment, but I overheard that you were looking for him- so I thought you could meet him here!”

It’s confirmation, and yet Cain is still flabbergasted. He can’t imagine one of his own making such a bold choice- is this sort of audacity what comes with being the partner of a demon? Taking a breath through his hands, he looks at Eiji’s wide eyes, analyzing the situation.

Naw, this ain’t a trap. Dude just a lil’ wild.

Sighing in relief, Cain leans back into his seat.

“Eiji… You can’t just trust people so easy, man.”

He receives a shrug of concession, mid-coffee pour, at the comment. To assuage any potential suspicions, Eiji sips from his cup first. Smart.

“I put a little milk and French vanilla creamer into the coffee, but if it’s too sweet, let me know.”

It’s actually really fucking good, but that’s not the point. “Eiji.”

 “Oh, you sound just like Ash. I know these things! But you were there by his side, and by mine, when things were hardest. I haven’t forgotten that. You are trustworthy.”

There’s something in his voice; not darkness, per se, but a loss of innocence. He’s serious, and he has the experience to back it up.

“And you don’t think Ash’ll be angry?” Cain is 100% sure Ash Lynx will be angry with this situation. He’d be pissed too if he walked into his home and saw another gang leader at his kitchen table. A moment passes as Eiji mulls it over, then he grins nonchalantly.

“There should be no issue. We’re allies, yes? I have no intention of starting anything with you.”

It’s as polite a ‘don’t start no shit, won’t be no shit’ as Cain has ever heard from a guy that looks like a chipmunk at his angriest, and he can’t help the cackle of laughter that bubbles forth as he slaps the table. This is certainly up there in ‘wildest shit Cain has ever experienced’.  

“Hey, okay! If he shows up pissed, that’s on you to handle. Since we ‘allies’.”

He’s only slightly joking; Eiji is capable of keeping the fearsome Ash Lynx at heel. He certainly won’t forget the look in Ash’s eyes the night Eiji was shot- like a fallen angel in eternal torment, the way he immediately and mercilessly hunted and cut down the assassins.

The truth reveals itself to Cain as a cool shudder down his spine- Eiji is cognizant of what he’s doing. He’s not only going against Ash’s direct orders, but he also doesn’t seem remotely bothered by the idea of doing so. He knew that Eiji was brave, loyal to a fault, willing to throw himself in harm’s way for Ash, but today drives home a specific message:

Eiji’s grace, his mercy, is not to be trifled with.

Keeping Eiji safe was one thing- putting him in danger was akin to setting the flames of Hell loose. But there was something to be said about being in the good graces, and therefore protection, of someone so infamous. Especially when they were aware of such a power. Ash Lynx has truly found himself a scary partner, he thinks, both impressed and mildly afraid. They sit in quiet for a little while, and Cain finally starts to eat the little slice of cake. It’s moist, light but flavorful.

“This is pretty good,” he comments. “Not as good as my Mama’s, but good.” A thought flashes through his mind. “Speaking of which, how are your folks? They ain’t worried bout you on the other side of the planet?”

Eiji was supposed to go back to Japan after he got out of the hospital, but after Ash’s incident he’d rushed back to the U.S. It must be a hard topic, because the smile slips from Eiji’s face as his brow furrows.

“They are very worried, but I would have come back no matter what. My father is in remission right now, so that is good, and my sister is doing well in her high school classes.”

Nothing about Mama, huh, notices Cain. Who knew Eiji had a less than happy background?

“My Pops was sick too. He was a mechanic, super known and loved. Everybody always went to him first, for work or just advice, and when he got sick, everybody tried to chip in for his meds and treatment. His homegoing too when he passed. Unfortunately, nobody had it for all the hospital bills, so I had to step up.”

His Mama, devastated by the loss, didn’t have the money, nor was she of sound health due to stress, and so he went into the game to support the family. Now, years later, he’s the established gang leader of Black Sabbath. It’s not exactly where his parents wanted him to end up in life, but, as long as everyone is safe...

“Well, anyway, I handled all that. Now my Mama has her own bakery in the neighborhood. It’s a safe zone in Harlem, should you ever want to visit. Mrs. Angela’s.”

It was only said offhand, and his men are now ogling at him, but Eiji looks elated at the idea.  

“We can compare vanilla cake recipes!” Eiji crows, smiling. “I’m honored by the invitation. Question- did you want to be a mechanic as well, Cain?”

Cain shakes his head. “Nah. I wanted to be a lawyer. Represent my people properly and all that, make my Mama proud.”

This is something he’s kept close to his heart- same as the coveted, guaranteed protection in the bakery- and he doesn’t know why he’s sharing it with someone who’s still practically a stranger. It’s even weirder when Eiji pats his hand in genuine affection.

“I’m sure your mother is very proud of your hard work and appreciates your support! My mother would have preferred me to be a salaryman. She’s not very pleased with me at all, really.”

Cain is simultaneously warmed by the encouragement and disturbed by the soft, sad admission. He’s not sure how anyone could be disappointed with Eiji, but he doesn’t get the chance to find out.

Ash is still in a meeting to cut ties with some of Golzine’s old, disgusting connections, and he misses multiple phone calls as the old dinosaurs go over time. He starts from shock when he sees a text from Bones that he 1) has missed a meeting with Cain Blood and 2) Eiji has invited him to their fucking townhouse.

He quickly makes his way back home, an ongoing, top of the lung scream reverberating inside his skull. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Cain- the man was one of the most solid people he’d ever met; cool under pressure, analytical, strategic, loyal, and constantly has his shit together. But you never invite anyone into your real, actual home that isn’t from your turf, especially when there’s no given that they won’t hurt what makes you vulnerable!

The worst part is that it sounds just like something a well-meaning Eiji would do, and he’s furious, but he’s also so scared that his anger pales in comparison. So, when he bursts into the townhouse, unsure what to expect, he is stunned by the sight. Though all four guards stiffen at his approach, Cain and Eiji calmly look up from their conversation over coffee and cake at his arrival. The wide-eyed look on his face must be comical, because Eiji snickers into his hand while Cain snorts, lifting up a coffee mug in a toast.

“Aye, I’m just as shook as you.” 

Before he can really react, Eiji has quickly sliced a piece of cake for him and turns to bow to Cain.

“It’s been wonderful speaking with you, you’re a wonderful guest. Oh- Ash- three things. First, take off your shoes, please. Second, I’ll be calling Jessica back about that Los Angeles trip. Lastly, that lady- the rude one with the fake blond hair? Which one is she?”

Ash frowns. “That congressman’s wife?”

Instead of answering, Eiji nods. “I just wanted to confirm. I will handle the issue you faced today, Cain.”

With that, he leaves, a wink to Cain and sticking his tongue out at a stiff Ash. It takes a couple more seconds before Ash kicks off his shoes and sits in the already warm chair. Finally, he chuckles in both relief and acceptance, staring at the food.

“If he could heal gang interrelations with cake and coffee, he would.”

Cain purses his lips, agreeing. He’s curious to see what exactly is going to happen, especially since he never mentioned the woman to Eiji. “Might not be a bad idea to have him involved more often. He certainly can wine and dine a fella, much better than you.”

Ash scowls at the teasing, and Cain chuckles in response, automatically shifting back into a more defensive, intimidating stance. Neither of them realized how much they’d relaxed in Eiji’s presence; though the warmth dissipated, the goodwill remained.

“All right,” begins Ash. “Onto terms.”

By the end of the evening, a freshly showered Ash slumps onto Eiji and their soft bed. Eiji, still reading his book, gently runs his fingers through Ash’s hair. Oh, so that’s the game, tonight. It’s normally something that immediately calms Ash down after a long day- really after any sort of day. It sounds mushy, but any sort of contact with Eiji inspires a warmth and trust that Ash has never experienced with anyone else, and it’s something he craves at all times.

The news is on TV in the background, with the headline ‘Republican Congressman and wife indicted for multiple counts of drug use, drug trafficking, and human trafficking’. The news anchor brings an interviewee that mentions witnessing an interaction earlier in the day, supporting prior claims that the family was racist. Good. Ash isn’t sure they won’t be able to buy their way out of prison time, but the bitter, hypocritical hag and her grimy husband had been on Ash’s takedown list for some time.

Focus. Satisfaction aside, right now he needs to confront Eiji, and no number of head pats or warm pride will prevent it.

“Eiji.”

“Aslan.”

“You know what you did.”

“Hospitality?”

Scoffing, Ash rolls his eyes. “Day visits here aren’t exactly safe for us, Eiji. You know that.” He gently thumbs the scar on Eiji’s exposed stomach, the puckering skin from the surgery still bright pink.

“Cain is an ally.”

“And he’s a decent person, too. Otherwise, we might not have been so lucky.”

His gang could have crumbled in the resulting chaos after his own brush with death, but it seemed like there was enough respect from Black Sabbath (and too much confusion in Chinatown) for anyone powerful enough to move in on his turf and start a war. Cain also knows how much Ash values Eiji, and a person with less integrity could have taken advantage of the vulnerability.

Sensing his distress, Eiji rubs their noses together before dropping him a kiss that Ash melts into. A couple, giggly and breathless moments later, Eiji pulls away and leans against the headboard.

“I’m sorry for worrying you. I just wanted to try something different, something to support you when you were in an awkward situation. I trusted Cain enough to try it. I just thought that if I presented calmly but with strength, it would impress him. It did! I did a good job; he invited me to meet his mother at her bakery! He said it’s a safe zone in Harlem.”

Ash cocks his head up from where it lay in Eiji’s lap. “Mrs. Angela’s?”

“Yes! Have you visited?”

“No! I’ve never once been invited! You must have really impressed him then, onii-chan.”

Ash might have been powerful enough to walk right into Cain’s den in Harlem, protected by his reputation and his skills, but Mrs. Angela’s was an entirely different ball game. It was a safe zone, mainly out of respect for Mrs. Angela’s contributions to her community, but also because if anyone tried any shit there, their mangled bodies would have to be scrubbed off of the pavement the next day. No one would bother to identify them later, either. He understood the respect.

Eiji gives him a really smug, satisfied look, which leads to Ash play-wrestling him under the covers.  

“You seem upset that I am stealing your job!”

Hair fluffy from Ash’s ministrations, smile bright, and umber eyes so full of an all-encompassing love and devotion- Ash wishes he could hold Eiji for the rest of his life, right here- fuck the outside world.

Even when he was being a smart aleck.

“You? Mr. ‘Afraid of Mice’? You’re cute. You could never steal my job, onii-chan.” He places one tempting finger pad on Eiji’s neck and slowly moves it down until it lands in the middle of Eiji’s nightshirt, tapping it. “They’d take one look at this ugly bird shirt and laugh you right out of town. Nice try, though.”

It's so satisfying when Eiji’s mouth drops in playful offense before he grabs a pillow and hurls it into a grinning Ash’s face.

“So, what made you report them so soon to Max? I’m not mad, just curious.”  

Eiji rolls his eyes. “The head valet you hired as secret security. He saw that Cain and his friends were being harassed when I invited him here. It was so rude, especially when I wanted to make things so nice for them for a good first impression. I am also tired of her prejudice. Remember when she assumed I was the help here because I am Japanese? When she tried handing me her bags?”

The only thing stopping Ash from storming down, kicking their door down, and cursing out the woman was Eiji’s sad patience; he’d simply told him to wait, that if Max was already compiling evidence for his latest exposure, it was only a matter of time. That Ash was already stressed enough from his day, and that he didn’t need to worry about Eiji. It was still heartbreaking for Ash, to watch Eiji let it roll off the way he did despite his clear upset.

“What is it that Alex always says to Kong and Bones after he beats them at cards?” Eiji muses. “‘Chess, not checkers.’”

Something in Ash’s chest flickers, a deep-rooted worry that Eiji might be getting in over his head. He never wanted Eiji this involved, or comfortable, with gang business at all, but he knows that he can’t hover over Eiji forever. He’s the love of his existence, and Ash will (literally) jump in front of death for him. However, Eiji is a grown man, and whenever he stifles Eiji it leaves the other man restless and distant. He decides to swallow it for now- the situation was handled, and everyone was okay.

“All right then, Don Corleone, don’t let me get in your way,” he teases, giving a confused Eiji a noogie.

Eiji turns off the TV and puts down his book, reaching for the light. “Who?”

“The Godfather? We’ll have to watch it, it’s about-” As he tries to explain the synopsis, the moonlight reveals a shit-eating grin on Eiji’s face as he pretends to snore, and Ash cuddles him so hard that he squeaks.

The godawful memories that come from Los Angeles are not something that Ash prefers to dwell on. Despite this, and despite the ‘grumpy face’ Eiji keeps accusing him of, he’s trying to form newer, happier memories on this trip with Max, Jessica, and Michael. The couple moved back in together after getting remarried, and Max was elated to show off his new home and ‘killer office set up’ to ‘his son and his son’s husband’.

Ash had called Max a number of colorful insults in response over the phone at the original invite, blush spreading to the tips of his ears, but he knows that Max and Jessica have good intentions. They’d been the first ones by his side after Ash’s attack, and they’d practically begged him to return with them to LA once he’d healed. They want him out of New York, out of the life, and trust- however much it might not seem like it, Ash wants that too. Especially when a heartbroken, still injured, still weak Eiji returned from across the planet to sob his relief into Ash’s lap.

That had been both the hardest thing to accept and the thing he’d wanted most, to say the least.

Still, there’s a reason Ash was biding his time. He’d held Eiji tightly in his arms the first night they’d spent back in the townhouse and promised him that, once he’d ended all of Golzine’s official business connections, and made sure everyone in his gang was set, they’d get the hell out of NYC and travel the world together.

“The amount of money we’ll have left is obscene, really. We can go anywhere, do anything.” He spoke fervently, willing those liquid bronze eyes to believe him. “Imagine all the pictures you can take with the new camera and gear you could buy. You want a townhouse in Florence? A beach house in Thailand? Mansion in London? A penthouse overseeing Tokyo? You can have it, Eiji, you can have all of them. You can have everything I can give you; I swear.”

His own tears were the first to drop when Eiji had just gently cradled his face, smiling.

“I don’t care where we go or what we have, Aslan, as long as you’re with me. Forever, right?”

He deserved so much more than Ash. Nothing would ever convince him otherwise.

The business is yet to be handled, so they’re taking a short break to visit their friends, a private jet ready to take them back at any moment’s notice. If Ash is being honest, if he could just sink into the incredibly cozy mattress and sleep forever, he would- business be damned. Instead, he peeks one eye open to see the reflection of the stained-glass window patterns glowing over his skin and groans turning away. He’d bought the room in the expensive, Venetian themed hotel to show off to Eiji (and Max, just a little, to put the old man on his toes) and the beautiful interior design delighted a camera ready Eiji to no end.

“Ash.”

No! More sleep!

“Ash, I know you are awake. I am going to take a picture of you, if it is okay.”

Ash emits a frustrated groan, turning away before capitulating with a sigh and an errant arm toss. It’s only after he’s almost asleep again that he hears the click of the camera, and the intrinsic dread from the sound is only calmed by Eiji’s pleased laugh. 

“You know, I wake up every morning just to see the dawn, here. It’s most beautiful in here when the light hits just so. See it as I see it.”

The bed adjusts slightly, and Ash forces his eyelids open to look at the picture. A deep cerulean blue, lush emerald green, and a lovely rose red are amongst the divine palette that delicately paints his cream skin and the ivory bed spread. His hair ripples to his shoulders, contrasting the rest of the image like woven gold lay softly on cloth. The look on his face is calm, vulnerable- at peace. It’s an amazing composition, almost hallowed in nature- he’s never seen himself in this sort of light before.

“It’s beautiful, Eiji,” he admits, stunned out of his sleepiness.

“I know. Dawn always is.” Smug, Eiji kisses him on the cheek and then breaks the moment by slapping Ash on the thigh. “Time to get up!”

“You were being so nice! See, this is why I can’t entertain you! Now I’m staying here.” He very pointedly forms a blanket burrito, only his eyes peering through.

“Get up, or I’ll show Max the picture of you flinching at the pumpkin that was downstairs.”

Ash unravels from the blankets, shooting his fiercest glare at a challenging Eiji. “You wouldn’t.”

“In fifteen minutes, oh I would.”

Grumbling under his breath, Ash launches out of the bed and slams the bathroom door shut on Eiji’s maniacal cackling in order to hide his own bashful smile. He’s been spoiling Eiji, so now he’s getting bold! Ash’s favorite part is when he does something nice without wanting to admit to it, and Eiji smothers him with face kisses in gratitude.

He’s such a fucking sap now; if anybody in his gang ever heard his current thoughts Ash might combust into flames.

He washes up, lotions up, dresses in some khaki cargo pants (with pockets deep enough for his gun) and a sea blue t-shirt, and pulls his hair back into a half bun. Despite missing the fifteen-minute limit by quite some time, Eiji comes back into the room and cuddles him from behind.

“I love this shirt on you,” he murmurs, squeezing tightly. “And your new longer hair. Very sexy.”

Ash attempts nonchalance to hide how flattered he is. “It’s all me. I make it look good. Don’t you wanna keep me inside all day, all to yourself?”

“Stop being grumpy about today, Ash. It’s lame.”

“You’re lame.”

To be fair, Eiji has a point. Ash is somewhat irritable, because he knows what day it is, and he hasn’t been looking forward to it- Flotation Therapy spa day. Jessica had tried to corner Ash with the idea, but he’d juked her. Knowingly- the old hag! - she simply went to Eiji in the airport and turned on her sugar-sweet voice, bringing it up again, and Eiji went for it hook, line and sinker. He’d seen the ‘halotherapy’ building in LA while they’d been walking to dinner one night, and spent a couple hours researching it on their hotel balcony. It seems to be a part of their recent journey on making Ash actually think about his problems.

He’s still grumbling as Eiji sits him down, placing the plate of cicchetti and bowl of crostini in the middle of the table, followed by a glass of orange juice.

“I love these!” croons Eiji. “They’re so reasonably sized, unlike your normal American appetizers which might as well be a meal itself. And you like eating light, Ash! Aren’t you happy?” Sighing, he runs a soft thumb over Ash’s pouting lips, giggling when Ash only sinks further into the pout.

Finally, he sits and raises an eyebrow. “Aslan.”

“Eiji.” His tone is similarly reproachful.

“It might not be so bad.”

“You don’t know that. You and your couple hours of research do not know that.” Real frustration slips into Ash’s voice, and he glares at the food in his hand. Eiji’s soft hand lifts his own to his lips, and he begrudgingly takes a bite.

“You won’t have to speak with anyone directly, since I know you were worried about exposure. I’m bringing some guidance books with me, so we can reflect on your thoughts afterwards if you are ready. And if not, it can just be a time where you think of nothing at all! Clear your mind! I think it’s a good idea!”

“So, you want me to get into a dark, soundless pit, like a casket, and purposely dwell on my shitty life?”

Grimacing, Eiji has to accept the concern. “There is light in the pod, and meditative music if you request it,” he petulantly mutters. “And I will be right there if you need me. But Ash, if it upsets you this much, I fully accept your feelings and I’ll cancel the appointment. We will try something else. I just…thought it would help.”

His face falls with defeat, and Ash feels his defenses immediately crumble.  

“No. No, Eiji, don’t make that face.”

“I am not making a face.”

“You are. It’s that damned injured puppy dog look, where your brow falls and your lips pout, and I-” With a groan, Ash concedes. “Fine. I’ll try it. Once.”

Melancholy immediately vanishing, Eiji gasps. “Promise?”

“Promise.”

Again, so much for being the fearsome, immovable Ash Lynx. He just got won over with gorgeous almond eyes, a multitude of face kisses that leave his heart begging for more, and a couple heated tongue kisses that leave them both swooning with a promise for later.

He’s so happy.

An hour later, they’re walking into the spa doors. The space itself is soothing and unassuming, the baby blue walls accented with white couches and sand-colored trinkets here and there. The kind lady explains the logistics of the flotation pod, where Ash will shower afterwards, where to put his clothes, and so on.  When she mentions quietly to Eiji cannot enter the room with him, Eiji slips her a couple hundred, winking as he brings his finger to his lips in warning. She pointedly looks the other direction as she tells “the air” to let her know when Ash is ready, then leaves, allowing an oblivious Ash to take in the space.

The room is still the same color, but the warm pink Himalayan salt lamps are dimmed very low to leave a shadowed ambience. In comparison, the egg-shaped pod glows an alien white in the middle of the room, the water inside illuminated by blue lights. Small speakers inside the door of the pod play meditative, soothing music, along with some buttons that allow control of the light and sound.

Silently, while Ash showers, Eiji puts down a small pillow in the corner along with his bag of books and both his and Ash’s phones. He turns off his own phone, but the moment Ash re-enters the room, the ‘business’ phone rings. Before he can answer it, Eiji picks it up.

“Hey, hi! I am sorry, I apologize for the inconvenience, but Ash is busy and will not be accepting calls at this time. If you call in ten minutes, I can take messages for him.”  

Ash had hired a ‘trustworthy’ lawyer (i.e., a lawyer that minded their business if they wanted to keep getting paid), on recommendation from Blanca to help him cut loose ends, and for whatever reason Eiji was now comfortable enough to speak to them in that way.

Fury simmers beneath his skin as he drops his clothes. “Eiji what the fuck? That could have been important!”

“If it were that important, your lawyer would not have agreed so easily to wait. This is your time, I already told him that.” Annoyance drips from Eiji’s tone, but he reins it in. “Look, if he calls again, I said I will take notes for you so that you can call back, okay? But right now, it’s time for you to take care of yourself. You promised.”

 It’s a sneaky move, to use his word against him- especially when Ash knows that he’s willing to break any silly promise to keep Eiji safe, and out of that sort of business- and his conflict shows on his face.

“I’m not getting involved any further. You know I won’t. Go ahead. You’re okay.”

Nodding, Ash turns to step into the warm water. The moment it seems like Eiji is going to close the door, anxiety blooms sharply in his chest. “You’ll be here? If I start screaming or pushing on the lid?”

“Yes. Right over here, reading the guidance books. There is also an emergency release button right here, it glows red. Press it, and the door will pop right open.”

“And if I want out?”

“Then come out. I won’t be upset. It’s okay.”

“But you’ll be here?”

“I will be.”

Terror still flits across Ash’s features. He’s never been claustrophobic before, shockingly, but the fear of being stuck in this pod is suddenly a force. It’s not even fear for himself- what if something happens to Eiji while he’s inside this stupid pod asleep? The last time they were in LA, and Eiji was out of his sight, he got kidnapped! Warm hands bring him back to center.

“No, no, come back down, Ash. I’m here. I see your thoughts. I am going to be safe. The only people who know we are here are your lawyer and Max- and we know Max is safe now.”

“You marked all the exits, right? You know the rules if something happens and you’re in danger. Especially since you just decided to cut off a meeting what was probably some oil baron.”

Eiji rolls his eyes. “They’re rich enough to afford plenty more time, then.”

“Eiji, the rules-”

“You want me to save myself. I should call for help and run away to safety without looking back. Oh, and only to use your gun in a situation where I feel escape is impossible, otherwise use my knife as needed.”

Eiji has pointedly and repeatedly refused to follow some of these rules. “Please, Eiji.” His face must be serious enough for Eiji to nod, giving him a quick, comforting hug.

“All right, I understand. I’ll do as you say. Now lay back. Are you cozy in there? Okay. I’m closing the lid now, Ash. I’ll be right out here. Relax.”

The music is light, and the salt water really is so dense that he floats effortlessly. He’s been lauded as a genius- literal battles have been fought for access to his brain- and somehow, he couldn’t imagine that he’d actually float so easily. Though there are bright lights in the pod, the way Eiji said, he still closes his eyes tight- he doesn’t want to be reminded that he’s in this giant alien egg.

Of course, once he manages to calm down, his thoughts stray to that awful day in the library. He’d been laying on the table, bleeding out. Was he ready to die? If he’s being honest- yes. He’d done everything he was supposed to do, and yet- for it to end like that? It felt shitty, almost like the universe was laughing at him for having hope. So, fuck it, he’d thought- it was finally time to rest, and Ash had taken to it with welcome arms. His heart and soul were flying away to the other side of the world, anyway. The farther away Eiji flew, the less he could hear that heartbeat, until soon it would be completely silent when Eiji was safe and out of reach. It was all he could ask for anyway.

If an astute library worker hadn’t noticed the blood dripping onto the floor and called 911, he would have died right there, in his favorite spot. The next thing he remembers is Max and Jessica scrambling to be by his side, all three of them sobbing. Three? Strangest of all, is that when he woke up, he swears that Griffin had been there as well… His brother had been long dead, and even longer before somewhere far gone from Ash.

Yet, he could swear that he’d heard his name in his brother’s soft-spoken tone…

The imagery in his memory morphs from the uncomfortable hospital bed to a familiar sight. The tall grass sways in the wind, the small pathway leading up to the small house that he’d spent part of his childhood in. On the porch, a familiar brunette sits reading until they lock eyes- a gentle aquamarine to a tearful emerald.

“Griff?”

“Aslan!” Next thing he knows, he’s in his brother’s arms. Tears stream down Ash’s face- this can’t be real, he doesn’t know what it is to have his big brother’s arms around him at this age. Yet, the hug is so warm, so gentle, and genuine, and he almost feels adrift when Griffin finally pulls away to squeeze his face in his large, callused hands.

“Look at you, all grown up, and so handsome. I’m so happy to see you! I’ve been working on some poetry that I think you might like; here, sit, I’ll get you something to drink.”

Bemused, Ash follows directions and sits in the familiar rocking chair. The sea breeze is calm, their surroundings quiet and peaceful, perfect for relaxation and writing. Griffin comes back with a glass of iced lemonade and a small poetry book and places it on the small table. He takes a sip and grimaces, followed by a laugh. The lemonade tastes exactly as he remembers his brother making- not nearly sweet enough to balance out the sour, due to them having to ration sugar monthly.

“Battery acid,” Ash chuckles wetly, the nickname Griffin proudly gave the concoction unsticking from his memory.

“A Callenreese Brothers’ classic! But- the poetry! What do you think?”

Remembering the book, Ash lifts it to his eyes and frowns. He tries, tries, and tries again, but the words won’t stick. He can’t read them, as if there’s a blur, and it’s so infuriating because he wants to. He wants to read his brother’s work, to laud it the way he always should have been able to, and he wants to hold on to whatever this is, but he can’t.

His body wracks with frustrated sniffles, and Griffin has to delicately pry his clawed fingernails off of the book in order to squeeze his hand.

“It’s okay, Aslan.”

“It’s not.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t read it. I can’t read it for you, I can’t- I couldn’t do anything for you, Griff.” Shame has Ash covering his eyes, only to pull them away quickly to make sure Griffin is still there. He can’t waste this time; he can’t miss his brother anymore.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to.”

“Yes, I did! And because of me, you’re- none of this-”

He’s quickly pulled into another tight hug, the soothing rocking back and forth enough to calm Ash the same way it did when he was a baby.

“None of what happened to me is your fault. You were just a kid, Aslan. I’m your big brother, if anything, I feel responsible for not properly taking care of you. If I’d never left to enlist, I could have kept you safe from the shit you never should have experienced at any age.”

“You were a kid, too, when you left. You thought it would make us some money, move us out of Cape Cod. I can’t blame you for that.”

“You’re right. We were both kids, caught up and taken advantage of in a dangerous world.” He pulls away, wiping away Ash’s tears and smiling fondly. “I’m okay now, and you don’t have to worry about or feel any more pain over me. You did the best you could in our situation, and that’s the only thing I could ask for. That’s even more than I could ask. Now, I’m begging you- it’s time to take care of yourself, Aslan. Take care of yourself, and that young man of yours, okay? I don’t want to see you in the hospital like that again. I don’t want you to keep suffering needlessly.”

His pleas carry a weight that crack at the fantasy of the entire environment- the world around Ash begins to fade into white. Panicking, he clings closer while Griffin rubs his back. His reaction is silly enough to make Ash start to laugh.

“I really dreamt up an entire self-fulfilling dream, huh?”

Griffin gives him a knowing look, winking with one last hand squeeze.

“How do you know it’s only a dream?”

What? “Because there’s no way-”

The dream (?!) disintegrates around Ash and he falls into the vast whiteness.

It’s only after he’s flinging his arms wildly, splashing in the water, that Ash belatedly realizes that he should have brained himself against the door of the pod with so much movement. Instead, he just flails in panic at the darkness and at the dark bodies in the room until comforting arms wrap around him.

“Ash- Ash! It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s just me!” Waving the concerned front-desk lady away, Eiji allows himself to be soaked with salt water as Ash clamps around him. “Breathe with me, deep breath in, deep breath out.”

They go through the breathing exercises long enough for Ash’s heartrate to decrease, and he feels a little guilty at what he’s sure are finger bruises on Eiji’s arms.

“You did such a good job! You managed the entire 45 minutes!”

Only 45 minutes? Ash must murmur this out loud, because Eiji nods, eyes full of pride.

“Yes. You rested well.”

“And you’re safe? No issues?”

“I’m safe, no issues. Let’s go get ourselves cleaned up, and then we can go get some lunch, okay?”

“I really did it?” He can’t help the vulnerable wonder in his voice.

“You did!”

“Even though I didn’t want to?”

“But you tried, and it’s the only thing I could ask for.”

The soft acceptance fills all of the holes of insecurity inside Ash with warmth, and he hugs Eiji closer.

“Sorry about your clothes,” he murmurs.

“I brought extra with me just in case.”

“You knew this would happen?”

“Ehhhhehehe… It was a concern? You can be dramatic at times.” Eiji pulls away with a goofy, sheepish expression, giggling when Ash scowls at him.

No matter how long Ash dwells on it, he cannot seem to make what happened in the pod make any sense. It’s not possible that he astral projected into Heaven or whatever afterlife to see Griffin. It had to have been a dream! Nothing happened that Ash’s subconscious couldn’t have made up; he didn’t see or hear anything to suggest that it was something special or specific. Every logical factor pointed to it being a dream.

Yet, a sizeable chunk of his heart wants so much for it to have been real. He wants to have met Griffin, wants to have been cared for and reassured, to sip their special terrible lemonade and receive wonderful hugs. He wanted it so much that not even the ‘joys’ of sifting through Eiji’s neatly written, well organized notes and calling back all those ornery businessmen could distract him from what had happened.

There’s just no way Griffin could have visited him in his sleep! If he could, surely he would have before this? No other specter from Ash’s past has felt the need to make themselves known, outside of nightmares- and that made a lot more sense in his eyes.

He’s also never felt as safe as he has right now. This past year has really been the only time that Ash has been able to slow down, to truly process the prior two-year span of his war with Banana Fish and everyone involved- perhaps that made a difference?

The thoughtful glare he shoots his still-full glass of Aperol Spritz is only broken by the incessant buzz of his ‘business’ cell phone. After answering his lawyer’s questions, he goes back to twisting the glass.

Eiji watches all this patiently, waiting for both Max and Jessica (who are running late) and for their appetizers. The dinner is in a fancy restaurant, and they have been seated in a private room that overlooks some of the city and the few stars that manage to shine from the light pollution. It’s only when the plate of broiled, bacon wrapped figs are placed on the table that Eiji decides to break into Ash’s reverie.

“Why don’t you try this, hm? See if you can keep it down.”

Hardly paying attention, Ash pops a bacon wrapped fig into his mouth, crunching it as he puts the glass down to stare out into the nighttime. The combination of flavors is interesting, Eiji notes for himself, the salt and savory taste of the bacon going well with the sweetness of the fig. Holding up another one, he gently waves the treat in front of Ash’s nose before pressing it against his lips.

Ash eats it mindlessly, and this repeats about two more times before, finally, Ash turns to face Eiji with a flustered look. “You don’t have to feed me, you know.”

“You seemed to enjoy it.” As he reaches over with another fig, Ash instead captures Eiji’s hand, licking the pads of Eiji’s fingers for a heated moment before popping the fig in his mouth with his tongue. Blushing furiously, yet undeterred, Eiji subtly slips the cell phone out of Ash’s opposite hand.

“Eiji-”

“Take the time to taste your food, and talk to me about today. Please, Ash.”

Ash knows just how stubborn Eiji can be (no one else alive would be able to take his phone so easily, twice in one day even) and he sees the frustration in his lover’s eyes. It’s not fair; shutting Eiji out during what was supposed to be a nice night out. His lips part to explain his thoughts when the door to the room opens obnoxiously, Max’s even more obnoxious laugh spilling in.

“Fancy place for a fancy boy, huh Ash?” teases Max, bringing Ash into a headlock. Jessica smoothly glides in behind, giving Eiji a hug and a cheek pinch before sitting down.

“How’s my wonderful son in law doing?” she coos, while Eiji preens under the affection. “That disrespectful boy is treating you right, right?” She turns a playful scowl to Ash, who stares back in offense.

“Who do you think paid for all of this, you old hag?”

Before they can get into one of their classic three way squabbles, Eiji squeezes Jessica’s hands.

“Ash has been wonderful. I thank you for your concern. How have you been? Did Michael get his gifts?”

It’s a diplomatic turn around, and Jessica lovingly describes just how happy her son and husband were when they saw the massive Lego set, followed by a stuffed bear the same size as the child. Max chooses to jump into the description- one would think the Legos were for him- and it gives Eiji just enough time to reach over to Ash and lightly touch his hand.

You don’t have to talk about this in front of them if you don’t want to, his look says.

To be honest, at first, Ash wasn’t going to say anything. But he looks over at Max’s goofy face and Jessica’s doting one, he decides that maybe it would make them feel better to hear about Max’s old army buddy. Yeah- them.

“I’ll talk about it,” he mutters, and Eiji lights up.

“Talk about what?” Max asks, mouth now full of bacon and fig.

“Ash tried halotherapy today, as Jessica suggested.”

Jessica expression is thoughtful, yet focused. “Oh? If you’re comfortable telling us, how was it?”

After a moment’s pause, Ash recounts the vivid experience with Griffin. It’s difficult at first, admitting to how he was feeling, but encouraged by their patience and active listening, he finally manages to tell every part of the story. By the end, he even feels lighter about it. Eiji seems very pleased, giving his hand a light kiss as he thanks him for sharing. Jessica wipes tears from her eyes, and Max has a very wistful, mature look on his face that feels so out of place that it makes Ash mildly uncomfortable.

“Hey Dad, fix your face,” he teases, trying to hide his insecurity. “You look ancient right now.”

It works; Max catches on with a grin and half-heartedly shakes his fist in the air. “You brat! Let your old man feel some emotions, huh? I’m just happy to hear that Griff is happy wherever he is, you know? Even if he left me with his rotten-mouthed little brother to take care of.”

“Griffin would be proud of how far you’ve come, Ash. You’ve lived through some hard shit, and you’ve come out on the other end strong and well-loved.” Jessica’s words have no right to melt Ash’s heart the way they do, even more so when he turns to look at Eiji. They both blush, to Max’s unending delight.

“How has love-nesting been for the both of you?” he teases, waggling his eyebrows. Eiji conveniently lifts up his menu, pointedly avoiding the question, and it’s at this that Ash scoffs. This guy- capable of telling hard-broiled lawyers to shove it, of inviting famous gang leaders over for coffee at a moment’s notice, of everything he’s ever done to protect Ash- and a little question about his love life leaves him hiding behind his menu like a child?!

(Who’s he kidding? He’s no better.)

The dinner finally ends after Max gets drunk enough to start telling horribly embarrassing stories that Ash records for later use. Eiji orders three desserts to go before calling their valet to bring the gorgeous red convertible that they’ve rented for this trip, and happily munches on his fried ice cream while they drive around the countryside roads with the top down. Ash drives them out far enough to where the stars are much more visible, pulls over, and pulls the seats back so that they can stare up into the night sky.

“I’m so happy that you were willing to talk to us, today,” muses Eiji. “It was not an expectation, and yet, like all things, you managed to surpass.”

Secretly pleased, Ash shoves a hand into Eiji’s face and gently pushes away. “What romance books have you been studying to become so sweet-tongued?”

“I am being honest! You are very special. I am trying here.”

Well, now Ash feels bad. “Sorry.”

They sit in silence for a little while longer, only the sound of Eiji now munching on funnel cake fries echoing in the space.

“You’re gonna get sick eating all those carbs,” Ash teases.

“I run miles every morning. It will burn off. You should eat more carbs. In fact, eat these.”

Ash takes the funnel fries, chewing slowly. It isn’t until he finishes that he finally says what’s on his mind.

“Do you think that, if Griff ‘visited’ me, I might see Skip and…and Shorter?” His words release into the air like bubbles, his desires and guilt floating into the vacuous space. Perhaps this was what he needed- somewhere free to release such heavy thoughts. “Do you think they’d forgive me, after everything?”

This is something else he loves about Eiji- there’s hardly ever an immediate response in moments where it counts. Whatever he says is actually pondered over, even if it’s not an answer that he agrees with.

“You know what I think- for you, Ash, there was never anything to forgive. Skipper and Shorter’s deaths are not on you. I think they would love to see you. I hope they do come to see you. And if you must make apologies, please let them both know that I’m sorry too.”

There’s something raw in Eiji’s voice, and concerned, Ash turns to look at him. Eiji’s dark eyes reflect the cosmos, crinkled in a sort of vulnerable pain that Ash knew too well. His lips are pressed thin, trembling as though he’s trying not to cry out. It breaks Ash’s heart, because he knows- he knows that Eiji carries the blame for Skipper, Griffin and Shorter on his own shoulders. Perhaps he isn’t the only one that could use some support.

He reaches over to squeeze Eiji’s hand, tugging him over until a chuckling Eiji is cuddled to his chest. For a moment, Ash entertains the wild thought of both of them simply ascending into the night. Becoming like constellations themselves, where he could just hold and be held for the rest of eternity.

“It’s not your fault, Eiji.”

“It’s not yours, either.”

“Hm. Sounds like we both need reflection. Perhaps couples’ halotherapy?”

Scoffing, Eiji nudges Ash in his side. “Maybe there is a place with a pod large enough for couples’ floating. I am not sure how safe it would be, though I would like that.”

“I can totally build one for you.”

A soft thumb rubs across Ash’s cheek.

“I know you would, and I love you for that.”

Things can’t be perfect all the time- they both know this. They’re young, and despite everything their relationship has been through, they’re still working on things like communication. It’s just growing pains. Still, whenever they do really blow up, it’s awful for them, and for everyone involved.

A tempestuous Ash has a tongue as sharp as a blade when he’s angry, and a fury that burns like dry ice- freezing enough to take a limb with every word. His anger is sporadic, but like a booming storm, it rages, and then it passes, leaving the damage behind in the dust. He’s never had time for things like resentment and regret; moving on logically is how he operates. Cold, calculating, and merciless.

Just the thought of facing Ash’s ire is enough to give anyone pause, to make them quake in their boots and second-guess their motives. There’s only one person bold enough to stand firm in its path.

Eiji’s emotions are like sudden natural disasters- calm in one moment, then erupting in pain like a long dormant volcano, raging tears like a tsunami forceful enough to barrel anyone out of its way. Though he has a fiery spirit and is always ready to check someone when they are in the wrong, very rarely is Eiji truly furious with those he loves. It’s a terrifying, earth-shattering sort of experience that leaves its victims with the heavy weight of what they’ve done.

It all starts when they get back home from visiting LA. Not including the jet lag that comes with a trip across the country, they’ve been awake over twenty-four hours. The creepy businessmen and lobbyists that meet with him have had him in and out of meetings across time zones, mainly to brag about the finesse and genius of their new “business partner” while trying and failing to understand anything he’s bothered to say. It’s been like teaching a bunch of overgrown toddlers that have access to the money and power to save the world… and instead they choose to bicker over dumb shit and waste his time.

So yeah, Ash is in a particularly surly mood.

The straw that breaks the camel’s back is a simple banquet. When Ash hears that it’s something he’ll need to attend, to continue to preen the feathers of men he wishes would fall off the face of the Earth, he groans in annoyance. Of course, Eiji is nearby and attentive.

“Talk to me. From the beginning. It can’t be all bad,” he says, voice tired but trying.

The words aren’t meant in offense- somewhere in the back of Ash’s mind, he knows this. He knows that Eiji is trying to understand, to support the way he always does. Still, the logic is clouded by a sickening amount of petty emotion that has been roiling inside of Ash for way too long, and it spills forth.

“No, no more fucking explanations! God I’m so sick and tired of dumbing things down for everybody! None of you could possibly understand any of this on my level- so just stop trying!”

A couple seconds pass, just enough for Ash to realize that he should apologize for his misdirected anger, when the response freezes him to his core.

“I cannot fucking believe this. Dumbing down? Is that what you think?!”

Hearing Eiji curse so vehemently is so foreign to Ash that he whips his head around, quailing when he sees Eiji’s turbulent expression. His eyes, normally so molten with affection, are rock hard with indignation. His cheeks and nose are bright red, and his entire frame shakes with upset, his hands clenching and unclenching.

“Eiji-”

“No! I do not want to hear it anymore! There is nothing left to say!”

“Eiji!”

“I cannot believe that I am hearing this! I do not want to see you anymore tonight!”  

“Okay, now you’re being ridiculous!”  

“You know what? You’re right! As I’m sure the mighty Ash Lynx always thinks he is! But you know what? You are not always right, and I am tired of you speaking to me like you think so!”

Ash rises from the couch, now standing in direct opposition. The look he gives the other man is enough to bring any of his other enemies to heel, cowing them with sheer threat of presence. Eiji is not any other enemy- and for once, Eiji isn’t playing peacekeeper. Despite how scary he looks on the outside, inwardly Ash is thoroughly shaken.

“Look, Eiji, I get that you’re trying to help, but sometimes I just- I need you to back off and understand that it’s not your place-”

“Not my place to what? Stand by your side? Is that not what we promised each other?”

The words flash from Ash as quick as any weapon he’s ever wielded.

“Enough! Stop holding me to a request I made under duress! I only asked for the one night anyway!”

It’s too far- no battle of words was worth this. Self-hate inundates Ash as he watches Eiji recoil in despair, his expression withering as he wraps his arms defensively around himself.

“So that is how you feel,” he mutters pathetically, half to himself. “I was the one who promised forever. How dare I think that you might want any sort of permanence with me. Yut-Lung was right.”

Ash does want permanence with Eiji. The reason he hadn’t claimed ‘forever’ was because at the time, he was fully convinced that he could die at any moment- there was no point in holding on to false hope. His words now were completely spoken to cause pain- and he had succeeded. Now he has to deal with the guilt and regret that comes with hurting the one closest to his heart.

“Yut-Lung? What did he- no. Look, Eiji, I’m s-”

“I do not want to hear it. Leave me alone.”

Eiji’s expression has closed off, his eyes hidden just so under his hair. There’s no point in arguing any further- the damage has already been done. Nodding, Ash grabs his laptop.

“I’ll go downstairs, give you some space.”

Dejected, Ash takes his things and makes his way down to the hotel bar. He gets a booth and begins his work but finds that he’s completely distracted from both a fear of being watched, and from the pit of sadness in his heart. An hour and two shots of whiskey later, he finds that the only thing the alcohol drowned was his ability to focus on his screen, and not his haywire emotions.

He desperately needs to go apologize.

The townhouse is dark and eerily silent when Ash stumbles in, kicking off his shoes and tossing his laptop onto the couch. Assuming that Eiji was asleep, he makes his way to their bedroom.

“Eiji?” he whispers. With no response, he turns on the bedside lamp- the bed is empty. Frowning, he moves to the en suite bathroom. “Eiji?”

Panic builds like the tempo in his heartbeat as he moves to each room, more quickly with each discovery of an empty space.

Shit, shit! “Where is he?” As he pulls out his phone to search for Eiji’s location, lightning cracks outside of his window, followed by an ominous growl of thunder. The moment Eiji’s location pings on his screen, torrential rains falls from the sky. It only stops Ash for a moment, who tosses on his jacket and grabs another before running out of their home.

It takes an hour for him to catch up to a constantly moving Eiji, who now sits in a chair under the awning of a closed shop looking like a drowned cat. His knees are brought up to his chest, his face covered. It’s incredibly unsafe, and Ash bristles with a potent mix of anger and worry.

Do you know what you’re doing? How exposed you are?!

Do you know you could have been stolen? Been hurt?!

What were you thinking?!

Do you know how heartbroken I would be if something happened to you?

…

Because of me?

Because I chased you away…

His righteousness fizzles away, only leaving a crushing guilt in its wake. When he approaches Eiji, it almost encourages him to see the other man’s body relax for a moment. So, when he places a familiar hand on Eiji’s shoulder, his arm is tossed off so disdainfully that it cuts Ash to the quick.

“No! How do you like it when someone you love does not want to accept your help?” he cries, voice thick with tears. “When they treat you like your support is meaningless?!”

Ash balks, eyes watering. “You- your support is not meaningless, and I’ve never felt that way about it!”

“Does not matter how you feel if you still treat it that way! I care for you, and I am patient with you because I love you, Ash, but it does not mean that you can speak to me or about me so cruelly and I should have to accept it!” Eiji’s bloodshot eyes are rimmed with tears. “I know that I am not a gang leader like you are, that I may not have suffered everything you’ve suffered,” he sniffles, “but it has been so long, Ash. From the beginning you have hidden things from me, told me that I would not understand you and your world. I know that I understand enough, and I know that I understand you more than anyone else. I don’t know what else I can do to prove this to you! I have willingly taken two bullets for you and more- who are you to still not trust me?!” Hysterical, Eiji shoves his face back into his knees.

If someone tossed Ash into the Hudson tied to concrete right now, he’d fully deserve it and thank them for their troubles on the way down. Sighing, he pulls a chair closer so that they are face to face, covering Eiji’s shoulders in the spare jacket, then placing his hands on Eiji’s knees to shield their faces from the rain that now soaks his own back.

“Eiji… I’m sorry, all right? I shouldn’t have said everything that I said. It’s not true, and I know it. It was really stupid. Of course, I want forever with you, Eiji. There’s no one else I’d rather be with. That moment is sacred to me, sacred to us, and I should never have tried to make it seem like it was only one sided. It never has been, please believe that.”

As smart as it would be for Eiji to pack up and leave for his own safety and contentment, Ash is viscerally averse to experiencing the pain that came with. He’d already known what it was to lose Eiji- he doesn’t want that ever again, and certainly not because of his own idiotic anger.

“None of how I’ve been feeling lately is about you- I was pissed off about some assholes that aren’t even fit to breathe the same air as you, and I took it out on you. I know that you’re strong enough for me to tell you what’s up. Just thinking about you, and how strong you are, is enough to give me the strength I need to keep going when I don’t have any of my own. It’s a bad habit that I’ve had forever to protect myself, but I know how much it means to you, for me to be more open and trust you, and I’ll- I’ll do better. Okay? Please forgive me. I’m so sorry, Eiji.”

Please don’t go.

The storm, now past its crest, dies down, now only a mild downpour. Trepidation makes Ash queasy, but he braves it through while Eiji dwells on his apology. Finally, Eiji brings his knees down, exhaling so hard his body slouches.

“Take me more seriously. I’m not made of glass.”

“…Understood.” He’ll always protect Eiji, that’s a given, but he will try to be more aware of actually communicating when he can talk about things and explaining when there are certain things that he does not feel comfortable divulging or when he doesn’t feel like talking. 

“Trust me.”

“I trust you with my life. I trust you more than anybody.”

Eiji glares at him, and Ash raises his hands in defeat. “Scout’s honor. Like you said, you know me best.”

He knows he’s forgiven when he hears Eiji grumble in Japanese, including something that he’s pretty sure translates to ‘stupid white boy’, and he takes Eiji’s hand and kisses it to avoid laughing any harder than he is.

“You still love me?” He puts on his best, cutest pout, and Eiji can’t help his quiet chuckle.

“I do, Ash. You are frustrating at times, but I do.”

Ash kneels onto the wet ground, dramatically holding Eiji’s hand in his. “Have mercy on me, Boss. My humble life is in your hands.”

Eiji’s astonished gasp fills him with delight, plus a searing heat in his lower abdomen that he decides to catalogue away for later.

“Ahem. Well then. To earn my forgiveness, I’ll need you to prove yourself by handling an errant soldier.”

“Anybody for you,” Ash purrs, rubbing the fingers against his face. “Just give me a name.”

“Ash Lynx. I want him alive.”

Naturally. “What will you do with him once I bring him in, Boss?”

Affecting a thoughtful expression, Eiji pretends to mull it over. “I think I’m going to have to make him an offer he can’t refuse.”

The horrible accent, and the undeniable reference… “…You watched The Godfather without me?!”

Cackling, Eiji stands up from the chair. “I bought the first two movies. You were busy. I was not. I really enjoyed it, though it was a little close to home, I think.”

“So much for trust, you little sneak!” He dashes forward to catch Eiji, who dodges and runs out into the rain.

“I will send fake horse heads to your enemies at the banquet!”

Grinning wickedly, Ash runs after a now cheery Eiji, yanking him back by his jacket into a nearby alleyway and bracketing him against the bricks. Tipping Eiji’s chin up, he closes his eyes to rub their noses together with a smile.

“As hot as it would be to know you shook the old bastards like that, let’s not do that.”

“Oh? So you admit, you find the idea of me doing your dirty business hot?”

‘Doing your dirty business’- “Dirty work, Eiji. Dirty work. Dirty business makes it sound like-”

Ash is interrupted by a lightning-fast kitten lick across his lips, and he freezes, cheeks cherry red.

“Makes it sound like what, Ash?” His face is covered in cool raindrops, but Eiji’s tempting eyes are molten, their chests rising and falling against each other. The moment is so long that concern replaces the heat, and Eiji cocks his head. “Ash, was that too much? I’m sorry, I was only teas-”

Before he can think better of it, Ash surges in, furiously licking into Eiji’s mouth as he seals their lips together. An astonished squeak from Eiji morphs into a satisfied moan, and he wraps his arms around Ash to pull him closer. It’s intoxicating- the heavy warmth returning in Ash’s lower stomach, the way his heart keeps trying to jump from his chest, the way he chases Eiji like he needs him more than air itself… 

He pulls away to breathe heavily, laying his head against Eiji’s shoulder. Neither of them says anything for a couple moments, getting their bearings.

“So, this is what happens when I tease you?”

Ash only raises a flustered expression to Eiji, who gazes at him softly before yanking out of his grasp.

“Catch me if you can, then!”

If the challenge isn’t enough, the way Eiji rubs a thumb across his lips before taking off is enough to send the message to Ash’s rebooting brain. When it clicks, a foolish grin spreads across Ash’s face as he chases Eiji down the almost empty streets. Every time he ‘catches’ Eiji, he’s rewarded with another soul-stealing kiss. It’s so childish, and it fills Ash with a sort of light-hearted wonder and happiness that he’s only ever feels with the other man.

By the time they return home, shivering from the cold drizzle and following each other into the hot shower, he realizes he hadn’t once thought about their safety on the way back. But seeing Eiji so happy after everything that had happened, tonight…well, he’s willing to count this moment out as a lucky day.

Sing can hardly see through how feverish he is, can hardly feel his limbs as the two henchmen drag his bleeding, concussed body out of the car. In any other situation, being dragged out into the middle of a pine forest and into a strange two-story cabin would be a harbinger of a horrible fate. However, Sing relaxes upon the sight of a harried Eiji opening the door, quickly waving them in.

Eiji looks much healthier, he notes offhandedly. The glow starting to return to his skin, and his hair is much more supple, enough to fill out a bun. His eyes are still far gone, well jaded to the violence in front of them. Eiji quickly grasps what’s going on, summoning a first-aid kit from thin air to provide medicine, clean, and bandage Sing’s wounds. He can’t hear any of the explanation that the men give Eiji, and it’s hard to focus between the fever and Eiji’s signature heavy-handed injury tending.

One thing is for sure, the men are showing utmost respect to an aggrieved Eiji, moving out of his way, and retrieving everything he asks. Eiji is part of Sing’s- the new Chinatown boss- past, someone he holds in high esteem. They wouldn’t dare to act foolishly around him.

When they prop Sing up on some cozy pillows, his vision focuses on a small shrine across the room, his heart dropping into his stomach.

Small white candles surround a shoebox, a silver cross on a chain, and in the middle, a picture of Eiji, Shorter Wong and Ash Lynx smiling together.

That’s right- Lao was murdered, Lao killed Ash, it’s been eight years and Eiji has been alone and suffering, dragged down, all because Sing failed to convince Ash that day, failed to convince Lao to calm down and stay by his side-

His choked sobs only calm when a warm hand squeezes his own, before placing a cup of a familiar mint tea in it.

“Breathe, Sing, and drink. It’s okay. You’re safe.”

Safe? No, it isn’t safe. In fact, Sing’s danger sense immediately kicks back in, and the tightening of his chest his him gasping in pain as he tries to move.

“Eiji… they’re coming… we need to go…”

“Who’s coming?”

Right- who is coming? Who was chasing him? He can’t seem to remember; all he knows is that they need to run.

“Sing,” soothes Eiji, trying to press him back down. “Why do you feel unsafe?”

The words that come out of his mouth stun even him. “It’s…it’s Banana Fish…it’s back…”

Damn his shitty memory! Why can’t he remember what happened? Did they get him with the drug? Was he tested? Are they tracking him? Shame burns in Sing’s expression as he explains that the briefcase that one of his men brought in contains the deadly drug, and how he wasn’t able to get it out of there without being spotted. His voice is small, reminiscent of the scared little boy that used to act tough, that wanted to take up space in a world that turned out to be larger and more horrific than he could have imagined.

And now, once more, he’s failing to protect whom he swore to protect after it all came falling down…

Unnervingly silent, Eiji listens to Sing, eyes flickering between his friend’s hysterical explanation and the desperate terror in his men’s eyes. Sing never meant for this to happen. Eiji had moved out into the countryside to get away from all of this shit, to find some peace, to stop seeing long gone shadows in the busy city that always seemed to linger around every corner. And now a careless Sing has brought him right back into the middle of a nightmare that he knows, he knows that Eiji has at night without cease.

The clock literally ticks in the background, and finally Eiji stands up and calmly states:

“I’ll handle it.”

What? What is he even talking about?

“Eiji, you’re being ridiculous,” Sing croaks, once more pushing through the sharp pains to sit up. “There’s a car outside, I just needed some help cleaning up. We can go now, let’s go.”

“Sing, if they’re as close as you claim they are, you don’t have much time left to escape. You’ll need a distraction to slow them down and get the drug out of their reach.”

Is no one else hearing this?! Scowling, Sing struggles to stand, ready to swipe up the briefcase that now lays on the table when he feels a miniscule pin prick to the back of his neck. He collapses back onto the couch, twitching with indignation and a dawning horror.

What?!

“Pick him up, carry him to the car.” Eiji’s voice is as steel as the thin needle he just placed onto the table.

Eiji? Eiji! What are you doing?! Sing is unable to scream, little grunts the only sounds he can manage. As they shove him on his back into the backseat, Eiji comes out to the car, holding the small shoebox onto the floor. Then he gently cradles Sing’s head in his hands, the tearful men in the front of the car facing forward out of respect.

“Sorry about this, Sing. Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s not as effective as Yut-Lung’s.”

“…Eiji…”

“Listen to me.” Voice low but full of purpose, it’s as if the entire forest quiets to listen. “This has gone on long enough. Banana Fish should have died with Dino Golzine…it should have died because- because-” -if it didn’t, then he would have died in vain.

“I won’t let this go on anymore, Sing. Stop, stop struggling. It’s okay. I am so proud of you and how you’ve grown, and I owe you my life many times over. You have done so well for yourself. Shorter would be honored to know that his next in line was so smart, so capable. And I know, I know that Ash would be impressed all the same. Survive, Sing! Let me do this. Let me end this so that no one else after us has to know the carnage of Banana Fish. Let it die with us.”

Sing’s stupid tears are hiding Eiji’s face from his sight, yet he’s almost afraid to look directly- he’s afraid to see the peaceful, accepting expression and know what it means.

“No… Eiji…” Don’t leave…

Eiji softly lays his head down, tucking it in safely before closing the door, not turning his head away from the distant road behind the car.

“Whatever you do, don’t turn around.” His voice is hoarse, but sure. “I’m placing his life in your hands. Go!”

The car speeds off into the dusk, and even though they are miles away Sing swears he can still hear the gunfire echoing.

The moment Sing can force his body to do his bidding, he flops out of the now still car, tripping over the shoebox that Eiji left in the car.

Fuck, fuck, what even is in this goddamn thing-

A pair of dark sunglasses, the silver cross, the picture, and a sawed-off Smith & Wesson.

All of them covered in blood, bodies flashing in front of him riddled with bullet holes.

Sing screams in agony.

Thank God he ate in his bed last night- the trash can was right there for Sing to vomit into. Gross, he thinks, wobbling to the kitchen to find a large trash bag to throw the whole can in. Fuck these nightmares.

That had been one of the most vivid night terrors he had since he’d found out of his half-brother’s demise. Needless to say, he feels a lot of guilt and trauma about the entire situation. That’s something he should probably do something about.

Instead, he calls Eiji.

It’s stupid, really- it’s 6am, and no one in their right mind would want to be awake at this time because of Sing’s silly dream. Still, he needs to hear Eiji’s voice, he needs to hear the hope in his voice, to know that everything is still okay…

“Good morning, Sing!”

He’s smiling. He’s okay. “Morning, Eiji.” His sniffles echo over the receiver, the relieved tears too much to hold back. He’s sure Eiji is going to ask what’s wrong, the same way anyone else might, but it feels too soon, maybe he shouldn’t have-

“Do you want to go jogging with me? The morning is beautiful in Central Park, the temperature just right.”

He’s such a good guy.

“Won’t A-Ash be worried?”

Calm humming indicates Eiji’s marinating because they both know the answer is ‘yes’.

“I’ll leave him a note and I’ll turn on my location. I am more excited to spend time with you.”

More excited to spend time with you. It shouldn’t fill his heart and belly with butterflies. It shouldn’t!

“Yeah, yeah okay.”

Sing has never in his life woken up this early to go running, but he guesses anything is better than staying in a dark apartment and stewing over his feelings alone. He just doesn’t want to be alone. That’s what it is, making him excited.

Twenty minutes later, he meets Eiji at the park, and it is with glee that he notices that, a year after everything ended, they’re finally of a height now.

“I see what you are thinking, Sing,” grumbles Eiji, affecting a chubby pout. “You might still be growing, but I will always be older than you.” It’s both a tease and a promise of longevity, helping Sing relax.

“Let’s go, then, old man,” he challenges. “Start running.”

“What is it with these guys calling me ‘old’…”

It’s about fifteen minutes into this run that Sing realizes that jogging at the ass-crack of dawn is not something he even remotely wants to do ever again, and it is insane that he is doing this. They pause for a break on a park bench, Sing practically heaving for air while Eiji grins and sips his water.

“Did I distract you from your thoughts?”

“You did this on purpose?” wheezes Sing, still hunched over.

“Lean back and take deep breaths. You allow more air in this way.” Sing is gently pulled into an upright position. “So, are you ready to tell me what happened? If not, we can take a few more moments and then start jogging again.”

Jogging? Again?! Sing is in shape, but he’s clearly built for sprinting. Eiji is on a whole other level.

“No, no, I’m ready to talk.” Out here, in the morning sun and covered in sweat, the nightmare isn’t nearly so bad to think about. At least, he tells himself that to ignore his blatant quaking. Some pieces of the story are lost to his consciousness, but he recalls as best he can. There are two parts he will never forget, and can cite verbatim- Eiji’s goodbye, and the bloody memorial items. Eiji’s observant eyes darken with sadness at these parts as well, his lips pinched.

“It’s honestly kind of dumb, really,” finishes Sing, running a hand through his hair. “Now that I’m awake, I can see all the plot holes and lack of explanations.”

“It’s not dumb at all, Sing. I have nightmares as well. Even Ash has nightmares.”

Sing lifts a shocked eye, taking in Eiji’s sturdy posture and soothing words.

“You’re only, what, seventeen? You’re just a child that’s been through a lot, Sing. That’s been through war. All of us were just kids, really. If you didn’t have bad dreams, then we should be concerned.”

Sing doesn’t want to look any weaker, bites his lip to stop the childishly hopeful “you think so” that wants to come out so badly, but Eiji sees it anyway and leans in shoulder to shoulder. It’s easy enough then to fall into the comforting hug, to sniffle a little more until he can breathe again.

“To start, I am honored you think so highly of me, Sing. And, if it makes you feel any better, I have no desire to learn Yut Lung’s techniques, so at least I would not be able to take you down that way.” Eiji chuckles at his own joke before continuing. “If I must be honest, I agree with the words that my dream self said. You are the future, Sing- you always have been. Shorter is proud of you, I know he is, and even if Ash is grumpy, he respects your strength as a leader. Yet, if I could get you away from all of this, I would. I would pack you up and get you away in a heartbeat. I want more for you, and for everyone that’s trapped in this life. I would do the same for Ash. I tried with Ash, and I failed.”

Sing starts, unsure how to comfort a wistful Eiji. “You didn’t fail, Eiji- if I’d just gotten Lao to stay with me, if I’d gotten Ash to come see you, he wouldn’t have gotten hurt-”

“It was my letter that made him change course, Sing. It was my letter that made him lose focus. I will always carry guilt for that, and I don’t want you to feel like you should. There were moments where I wanted to blame you, and I feel sick to my stomach that I could ever consider it. You are not at fault for the decisions that the rest of us made. Lao made his choices, Ash made his choices, and I made mine.”

“But- but you were shot-”

“Not because of you. Listen to me, Sing.” Sing’s heart pounds in his chest, the words stated the same way they had been in his dream. “Things could have turned out the way they did in your dream, and it still would not be your fault. But they didn’t. Ash and I are alive, and we will help keep Shorter’s memory alive. I am so honored that even in your dreams, you thought of me as a safe place to turn to, and I will always have an open ear and an open home if you need one, okay?”

It’s almost unfathomable to Sing that someone can exist with so much patience and grace to spare. He knows just how brokenhearted Eiji had been to find out that Ash had almost been murdered, that his soulmate could have died without him knowing and out of reach. Ash himself had been the gracious one at the time, while Eiji was inconsolable. Whatever fortitude was required to come back from where Eiji had been was inspiring, and Sing wanted some of it. Finally, Sing gives Eiji a goofy smile, and they both relax.

“This is your idea of therapy? Stressing me out so badly with a morning run that my traumas seem weak in comparison? Nah, I’ll pass. Can we just go get some food at Nadia’s?”

“That’s fine, too. And we can talk more about options to help.”

“How is Ash?” The most infamous gang leader in their generation, a wild, demonic lynx, brought to heel by a soft-hearted bunny. That was the story on the streets, anyway. Anyone who actually knew Eiji knew that the strong, stubborn man had something that Ash needed, something that Ash craved so much that he was willing to fight the world to keep Eiji safe. Sing understands what he sees.

(He envies it.)

“Doing better, I think. Perhaps you both would benefit from speaking to each other- I can set it up if you’d like.”

Group therapy with Ash Lynx? “Ehhh…. maybe sometime. Let me grow into the idea.” Offhandedly, wonders Sing- is Eiji taking care of himself?  

Nodding, Eiji assents to the idea, then lights up. “You know, Cain suggested his mother’s bakery to me; it is nearby, and it is open. Let me make a call, and if it’s okay, we can go get some fresh pastries for breakfast, yes? It’s on me.”

If it’s the place Sing thinks it is, he’s pretty sure that Eiji will be laughed out of town, at the safest. So, he watches in awe as a sleepy Cain Blood picks up over speaker, giving him a code so that Mrs. Angela knows that they’re good people, and suggests the vanilla cake.

“Tell lil’ Sing I said hello. This is a thank you for him getting me out of jail the one time.”

Eiji beams at a flabbergasted Sing- that had been after Ash’s fight with Arthur; when Yut Lung came to get him… and steal Eiji. Given the context, he supposes that it would be hard for anyone to forget that day. Still, the subway ride to Harlem puts Sing on edge, unwilling to believe it is true, but unwilling to leave Eiji behind.

They make it into the bakery and are greeted by a short, caramel skinned lady with a large afro and a bright smile for the early hour. They greet Mrs. Angela with the code, mentioning that they are friends of Cain’s, and she is proud and pleased as they order a slice of vanilla cake, two blueberry muffins and an herbal tea each. The cake and muffins are, confirmed, superior to anything Eiji has ever made, and he makes an order to take home to a now awake and irritable Ash. Sing practically hears the irritation over each text ping, watching Eiji’s smug face curl into a grin as he takes pictures of the food to send.

“So, Eiji… you’re really not angry at me? You don’t blame me?”

“No, Sing.”

The next question pops out unbidden. “What about Yut Lung?”

A frost flashes dangerously across Eiji’s eyes, and his lip twitches, but he says nothing, putting his phone down to icily unpeel his second muffin. Ah. So there really is only one person that Eiji can’t muster that iconic mercy towards. Though it hurts a little, and is a conflict of interest, Sing fully understands. He wouldn’t want to be forgiving towards his attempted assassin either.

“Maybe one day, Sing.” Eiji finally replies. “Perhaps I will find that part of myself that is willing to forgive him for the things that he’s done.”

It’s usually a sign that Eiji’s feeling… off, when he jogs without music or background noise. So, when he popped in his earbuds that morning for a cooking podcast, things seemed mostly okay. The comforting, familiar cadence of Japanese surrounds his ears as he makes his way through the park, the sizzling noises of chicken katsu and boiling of ramen broth filling him with anticipation.

Mornings are his special time to re-center; not that he doesn’t love America’s excitement, but New York City can be overwhelming for even the strongest tourist, let alone the memories it holds for him. Listening to his native tongue, picking out interesting recipes that he can buy ingredients for on his grocery store-post trip are a couple things that reminds him of the good parts of home. They remind Eiji that he’s not alone; that no matter where in the world, he can find something familiar, something of himself.

A mischievous grin spreads across his face as the podcaster explains the recipe for the spicy miso ramen; he plans on making it for dinner this week. Ash thinks he’s so tough with his overly salty American mustard; Eiji bets his face will turn bright red with the flavor of this! The smooth, homey voice is interrupted by a ring, with Ibe’s picture shining on the screen.

“Hello, Ibe-san!” He sits on a nearby bench, slipping into Japanese. “How are you?”

“I’m doing well! I’m currently at my brother in law’s house for dinner, but they stepped out for a moment for last preparations. I thought about you, so I called.”

“That’s very kind of you. How is your heart doing?”

Upon returning home to Japan, Ibe had been diagnosed with heart issues. Sometimes, when he was panicked, or stressed, he would have extreme heart palpitations. It was something that Eiji felt extremely guilty about; that his mentor’s trauma resulted in something so dangerous despite his young age.

“My heart is doing well. It’s good for me, to be back in Izumo. My tai-chi classes have really been helping as well. I think I needed the peace and quiet. How are things in America- how’s Ash doing?”

“The city is busy, as always. Nothing new. We visited Max and Jessica some time back, and even though they squabble, they are very much in love! Ash is doing well. You know he gets grumpy, but he’s been much happier, I believe.”

“Good! They deserve happiness. You all deserve happiness.”

There’s a slight pause, and Eiji sighs. He knows what’s coming. There’s one major part of home he does not miss, and he knows what Ibe is going to say, and he really wishes he wouldn’t-

“Have you called your family recently?”

“I’ve talked to my sister. She says everything is fine at home.”

As much as Eiji misses the familiarity of Japan, of Izumo, he cannot deny that leaving it all the second time- even under the devastating conditions of Ash’s attack- had felt right. Even if Ash hadn’t been hurt, Eiji knew that he would have eventually made his way back to New York City- back to the other half of his soul. The entire purpose of their trip had been to rid Eiji of his depression from the weight of his expectations in Japan- those hadn’t just gone anyway. If anything, they had increased while he was gone.

The moment his parents had heard that he’d been shot, they panicked. And instead of saying anything that might have encouraged or comforted Eiji or made him believe in the safety of the only home that he had to give to Ash, they immediately fell into ‘how foolish they were to let him go’. About what others might think of poor, fallen, injured Eiji, what this might do to his chances in the future, how he was supposed to be fixed when he left and that he came back even worse- They don’t know how he begged in his mind, before worse news arrived, please don’t say that about me, please don’t treat me like this, I can’t stand it-

There was never going to be any place for him there.

Even if his well-meaning parents had greeted him with open arms and understanding, something in Eiji’s core knows he’s been irreversibly changed. He wouldn’t be able to just come home, heal from his physical wounds, and simply act like nothing had ever happened. The things he’d seen would never go away. What he needed was to be surrounded by people who understood, who could stand by his side in solidarity while they all took the time they needed to heal.

That was dark, Eiji ponders, frowning at himself.

“Ei-chan? Eiji?”

Ibe might as well have been speaking to the air.  

“I’m sorry, Ibe-san. I was a little lost in my thoughts for a moment.”

A fond, yet melancholy sigh. “Look, Ei-chan. I know you love it there, and I know how much you love Ash. I know you will never leave his side. I get it. I just… I hope that you take care of yourself, too. I know that it was rough at home, and that you and your mother aren’t on… the best of terms. But she worries- your whole family does. They do love you, and they didn’t just stop existing because you ended up on the other side of the world. I’m not saying you should move back and act like everything is natural. Just… make peace within yourself, and whenever you’re ready, I think you should talk to them. Really tell them what was going on.”

He’d once told Ash that it was upsetting not to know the truth, to not be included. The same could be applied to his family, he supposes. And after everything that he’d dragged Ibe through, the least he could do was listen to the man who’d done more than anyone else to help him at what he’d thought was his lowest.                                      

“I understand, Ibe-san. I’ll think about it some more. Thank you for continuing to support me after everything. I know it’s hard.”

“Eh, well, it’s not your fault that this old man can’t keep up the way he used to!”

“You are not old! What is with everyone calling us old!?”  

With a hearty chuckle, Ibe lets him go, citing that his family was back. Only the muted sounds of the park and passerby make any sound as Eiji heads to the local Asian market. The bags aren’t all that heavy, but it isn’t until he’s plopping them down on the kitchen counter that he realizes that he’s extra sore today, like there are weights hanging off of him. Perhaps he hadn’t stretched properly?

“Ash! I’ve brought groceries back, if you could-ah-” His words choke off, his watery vision wobbling as he sinks to the floor under the wave of a sudden traumatic anxiety attack.

A familiar letter lays on the counter, the bloodstains and dried tear spots unmistakable.

Why is it there? Why, why, why?? Is it to taunt him? Is he being taunted with his mistakes today?

“Eiji? Eiji!” Warm hands wrap tightly around him, squeezing as Eiji struggles to breathe, black spots floating in his eyes. “What’s wrong? What upset you?”

“It was a good day,” he gasps, stressfully falling back into his familiar tongue. “I went on my run, I listened to my podcast, I went to the store, I even thought about calling home. Why is it bad? Why am I upset? Why is that letter on the counter get it away I can’t stand it I hate it-”

“You’re not breathing, I need you to breathe.” Ash hastily stands, swirling around to try to find the offensive trigger. “Fuck!”

He hadn’t meant to leave it out. On a whim, he’d taken it out to read the words that made him feel so blessed, so happy. Beautiful, precious words that were now driving their own author into hysterics. He quickly shoves it back into his wallet and tosses it across the room like an active grenade, before sliding to Eiji’s side.

“It’s gone, okay? It’s not out anymore, you’re safe, you’re here, I’m here. It’s okay.” The warm, firm circles in his back allows Eiji to calm his breathing, and a few minutes later, he’s hiccupping lightly into Ash’s soft embrace.

“Your shoulders are really tight, Eiji,” Ash suddenly comments. “Want a massage?”

What? “What?”

“You know, when someone squeezes your muscles so that rela-”

“I know what a massage is! I mean, why would you do that?”

Ash frowns. “Because it might help? Your entire body is tense and shaking. It might help your stress. I’ve learned a couple tricks in my day if you’re worried.”

He’s only teasing, but it darkens Eiji’s eyes, and he turns away. Mentally kicking himself, Ash softly tilts Eiji’s face back to him.

“Okay, that wasn’t funny. I don’t know why I said that. What I mean is, I’d really like to help you feel better, Eiji. If you are okay with it, can I give you a massage?”

When Eiji finally consents, Ash gently leads him to their bedroom, whispering a request for permission before removing his shirt and laying him face down onto the bed. Low music, a fan, and dimmed lights help set enough a mood, relaxing Eiji along Ash’s firm but patient hands and the way they sculpt under his sore calves and press into his pained feet.

It isn’t until Ash reaches his shoulder blades that he breaks the peace.

“Thank you, Ash. I’m sorry for my reaction earlier. I don’t know what- ow! - what happened.” A deep tissue press into his right shoulder makes him hiss.

“Sorry, you had a deep knot right there. Don’t apologize. I shouldn’t have left it out, I know how you feel about it. I didn’t mean to trigger you.”

They continue in silence, until Ash finishes and lays a warm hand on the small of Eiji’s back.

“You know, Eiji… just because therapy isn’t for me, doesn’t mean it can’t be for you.”

Inhaling sharply, Eiji shifts to see Ash’s warm expression.

“I know that I don’t wanna talk to anybody. The shit I’ve seen, the shit I’ve done… there’s no way they couldn’t go to the authorities. At least, I don’t feel safe enough to go and try it. And I don’t feel like regurgitating all the shit that’s happened to me to someone else. But I think for you, you should be okay, if you want. I’ll do a thorough background check on the person, and if things get hairy from the details, I’ll step in and handle it. You wouldn’t have to worry about a thing.”  

“Ash…” This is the crux of many of Eiji’s problems. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to protect me at all times. I want to protect you as well. You know this.” It’s exhausting really- it’s not like he’s said it out loud, but he feels like he’s always being tested by everyone who thinks he’s incapable. But then, he thinks disdainfully, I cry over stupid letters. Maybe I am weak.

“I know. But… how can you pour into protecting me when you hardly have anything left in your own cup?”

The familiar words cause Eiji’s heart to thump- he’s heard that quote before! A teary, shit-eating grin on his face, he pokes a red Ash in the cheek.

“Oh, Ash! You’ve been reading the counseling and self-help books again!”

“You always leave them out in random spaces, I thought you were hinting at me to read them! Who the hell just leaves a book on the washer? Anyway, shut up, I was the comforting one here! You’re really fucking strong, Eiji, and if knowing that about yourself makes you feel good and safe, I want to support whatever you need to continue feeling that way. I’ll tell you every day if you need. But if you ever feel like you need to let go… I’m here for you, same way you’re here for me. You don’t always have to be strong. You taught me that. So…don’t worry about the therapy, or the potential consequences. I got it. Just go and get the help you need, and I’ll…do the same, in my way. We’ll heal, and if you’ll have me, together.”

Though he spoke such heartfelt words, Ash’s face was turned to the side, his pouted lips showing just how flustered he was, and Eiji’s face crinkles into a wet smile.

“Ash…”

“Aw, don’t make me say it again, you heard me!”

Overjoyed by the support, Eiji flings himself onto Ash, smothering him with face kisses. “Aishiteru yo,” he whispers in between, making a beet red Ash somehow flush even deeper.

“Yeah, yeah,” he mutters, unable to help the bashful smile. “I love you too, even if my regular English version isn’t as powerful.”

Eiji squishes their faces together. “Your regular English version is perfect.”

That night, a re-energized Eiji stands in front of the mirror, wearing a white dress shirt, black dress pants, a black waistcoat, and familiar glasses.

“You know I don’t need these to see, right?” he asks, rolling his eyes when Ash slinks his arms around him and nuzzling his head into his shoulder.

“I know. But last time, I couldn’t see you in them, and what a shame that was. You look breathtaking.”

Eiji remembers what Ash looked like- debilitated, starving, at knifepoint- it wasn’t a good memory. Officially seeing Ash dressed up is nice for him too- he cuts a svelte figure, classy as the jade he was named after.

“Are you ready for overly expensive food and pompous assholes?”

“I was looking forward to the Wagyu they had on the menu.”

Ash scoffs. “I can buy you plenty of Wagyu, you don’t have to suffer this.”

This is true. “Besides, someone has to make sure you behave.”

“Having you around, looking like this, with these glasses? God, these glasses. I don’t know if your behavioral plan will work. Might need to sneak into the bathroom a couple times, kick out the rich cokeheads and take over the counter.” Squeezing his waist, Ash swipes a tongue across Eiji’s carotid, and Eiji has to swat him away.

“Ash!” The heated, naughty look will be seared in his mind all night now!

“But seriously, remember our signals. If it gets too bad, just do it, and I’ll take you out of there.”

“You do the same.”

Despite all his nerve from before, Eiji can’t help his gasp of awe when they enter the banquet hall. It’s glorious, covered in sparkling chandeliers, plush red carpet, a massive dance floor, and dozens of white tableclothed tables full of an array of wines and spirits. Now that he’s not here to pose a threat, he finds himself truly enjoying the new experience. The food is delightful, if a little overpriced for the portion size. He snaps a picture of the Wagyu to send to his sister… and then decides to tag his entire family. He puts a heart in the message- he’s trying. Seeing him text out the corner of his eye, Ash affectionately thumbs his hand in support.

Everything seems run of the mill for Ash, who seamlessly transitions into the cold, businesslike version of himself as they make their way through the crowds. He always keeps Eiji nearby, toeing the line between hovering at the edge and guarding close by as they network. Eiji’s seeming naivete seems to be a hit with many of the ladies, who flock around the two of them like vultures. Overall, the night has been lovely when Eiji tugs on Ash’s sleeve.

“I’m going to go to the dessert buffet,” he reassures. He’s putting a couple multi-colored macaroons on his plate when a flash of green and gold catches his eye. When he turns toward it, his body stiffens.

Oh, I can’t believe this. Not today.

Less than three feet away stands the ethereal Lee Yut-Lung, and soon behind him, a notably apologetic Sing. Someone could cut the tension with a butter knife. Sing notes that this is mainly because Eiji is not his normal, forthcoming self, and their conversation returns to mind. Should he pull Yut-Lung away before Eiji goes for the hair? If he were Eiji, he too would go for the sharpened, golden lion pins holding up some of the braids-

Yut-Lung sighs in exasperation.

“I like your hairstyle. And the glasses. It’s a little try-hard, but they frame your face nicely. Makes you look like an adult.”

Sing pinches his bridge. I’m sorry, Eiji! This is what he gets for trying! He’d asked Yut-Lung to attempt human kindness tonight if they happened to see Ash or Eiji, since he’d checked the guest list and knew that Ash was going to be there under his regular pseudonym. However, he recognizes the effort in the petulant pout of Yut-Lung’s lips and the pink cheekbones- he supposes this was the best he could do.

On the other side, Eiji twitches, pinching his lips as he visibly struggles to make his next move.

“Your dress is nice. The dragon is well embroidered.” The silk dress was a sea green, the dragon’s scales embroidered with flashes of light blues, golds, reds, and greens. It was truly beautiful, an objective statement that required no emotional input. Still, Sing’s eyes brighten with happiness.

Yut-Lung seems surprised that Eiji even responded, but he quickly recovers and flips his bejeweled hair over his shoulder.

“Of course it is. It was made by hand. I only buy the best.” A cough from Sing. “I can… I can offer you the recommendation of the stylist. I trust her fashion sense implicitly. There are things she makes that would look dashing on you.”

Yut Lung gives Sing a searing ‘have I done enough here’ look.

“I would…appreciate that. I trust your…fashion judgment.”

Eiji’s look is firm, as if he has to steel himself to speak directly but is determined to do so. Both Yut-Lung and Sing find themselves sizing him up, with varying levels of new respect.

“Jewel tones would look excellent with your color. Sea blues, lush greens, bold, blood reds- if you’re going to wear these styles, you’ll need to look imperially confident in them- I hope you’ll accept this advice for the quality that it is.” Sing’s appreciative hand on his shoulder tightened after ‘blood red’. “Unhand me!” he hisses, tugging away.

Before Eiji can reply (Sing wouldn’t hold it against him if the response were ‘I’ll stay away from blood reds and you, thank you’), a suave arm comes around his waist, blond hair draping around his shoulder.

“Yut Lung.”

Yut Lung stiffens before affecting an undisturbed expression. “Ash Lynx.”

“Sing.”

“Ash.” Sing sighs in relief.

“You don’t have to entertain his morning runs anymore, Sing. I know it feels like hell to wake up to run before even the birds are awake.”

Offended, Eiji gawks while Sing snickers, and Yut Lung tries not to look curious.

“It’s worth it for the muffins,” offers Sing, giving a small smile.  

“They were very tasty with a warm jasmine tea.”

All of them raise an eyebrow at Yut Lung, who is now visibly fidgeting. Sing had left some muffins out on purpose, placing them with Yut Lung’s morning tea. He’s pleased to hear that they were a success, and his soft smile only makes Yut Lung flush.

“I agree.” Eiji replies, smiling lightly.

“Good evening,” Yut Lung quickly says, turning away to leave. “Sing, let’s go.”  

Sing gives them a grateful look. “He’s trying. I promise. I know it won’t make up for anything from before, but… I’ll work on it.” He hastens after Yut Lung’s quickly retreating figure.

“Well, I think that was a very gracious start of you, onii-chan.” Ash whispers, curling protectively around Eiji and swaying their bodies to the distant, booming music. Closing his eyes, Eiji leans back into the embrace.

“It was very difficult. I don’t know how you speak so easily to people who have tried to have you killed.”

“Unfortunately, I’ve had a lot of practice.” A small kiss on Eiji’s neck rekindles the molten feelings from earlier in the night. “I’ve done all I need to do. You want to get out of here?”

“Please.”

If Ash could spend the rest of his life in Eiji’s strong arms, he would do so. There’s a quiet storm outside, the heat is on, the lights dimmed, the blankets plush, and sensual music plays in the background. He’s warm, soft, safe- why would he ever want to be anywhere else? His love, his life, his soulmate. Whenever he’s here, like this, he doesn’t want to allow his own crushing anxieties, fears, and demons inside. There could only peace in this space.

“Aslan? Is this okay?” Eiji’s soft concern brings Ash out of his reverie, and he lifts his lips from the blossoming hickey on Eiji’s shoulder. It’d been there longer than normal, larger than the many others littering Eiji’s neck and shoulders.

“What, were you concerned I’d turned into a vampire?” he jokes, trying to deflect, but of course it doesn’t work. Eiji only lifts an eyebrow. It’s fair- they’re sat up on the bed, legs crisscrossed together, skin to skin. If he focuses, he can feel Eiji’s calm heartbeat over his own. Naturally Eiji would notice when he’s lost in thought.  

“It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”

“If not, we can stop. You know we can always stop, it’s always okay for you to tell me to stop.”

That potent combination of patience, love and understanding Eiji’s always had for him and his boundaries- it makes him yearn for Eiji in a way that Ash knows he’d never feel for anyone else. Giddily grinning, he lowers his head back into Eiji’s neck and sucks once more, loving the resulting lustful yet exasperated sigh.

The hickeys have become sort of a dirty yet wholesome joke for them. Since the beginning, Eiji had reassured him that he didn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to do. He told him that he was perfectly okay for them to never share any sort of sexual interactions, but that if Ash was ever interested, they could certainly move at his pace. However, when they shared their first (real!) kiss, deep, warm, and all-consuming, Ash had immediately lost control of himself and bit down lower. He’d been horrified by his actions, but Eiji had quickly consoled him.

It’s okay, he’d reassured. If I do not want you to do something, I will tell you. But right now, I am glad that you feel safe enough to show your love so openly, to relax so much. And for this, well… I’ll have a… little reminder of my Aslan’s love.

Well, he’s had plenty reminders of Ash’s love now. He’d lay off without hesitation if Eiji ever rejected it, but shockingly it’s never happened. Even when jokes started coming from the guys after a particularly hot make out, when Ash told him he’d lighten up Eiji only blushed a pretty pink and told him not to worry about it.

You like being seen as mine, huh, Ash had accused, both teasingly and in astonishment. Something flashed across Eiji’s eyes then, dark and possessive, a gentle hand momentarily caressing his own neck in a way that left Ash’s mouth a little dry.

And you like telling everyone that I’m yours, he retorted. When Ash flushed in the embarrassment of being caught, Eiji gave him a cheeky grin in triumph and walked away.

The memory makes Ash chuckle, and he flips Eiji’s palm over for a kiss. 

“I’m all right. Honest. I just get overwhelmed at how much I love you sometimes.” The simmering look he gives from under his lashes makes Eiji shudder with pleasure, and he takes Ash’s face in his hands for a kiss on the nose.

“I love you, too. You’re being incredibly sentimental tonight,” he remarks.

“Would you rather me jump you into the mattress? I can do that, too,” Ash mischievously replies. He’s not in the mood to be more aggressive tonight, though they’d had some historically heated, enjoyable nights in that vein. No, tonight he’s feeling more sensual, cuddlier.

“No, no jumping, Aslan. I can see that tonight you’re more pliant, more soulful,” Eiji says, echoing Ash’s thoughts as though he reading them from his emerald eyes. “I like this kind of your love too.”

Eiji brings their lips together, ever hesitant, waiting for Ash to respond in kind. The kiss is soft, yet fervent, Ash forever finding new and creative dances of the tongue for a devoted Eiji to follow. Pulling away with a breathy groan, Ash brings their foreheads together, caressing Eiji’s arms and holding him close.

“I’ll never get over hearing you say my name. It’s so crazy to me, every time we are together, I feel like I’m right where I belong. I don’t deserve to feel that way after everything I’ve put you through, I know it, but I can’t help it. You’re home to me. Listen to me, I might as well start waxing poetic next-”

He freezes mid-sentence. Eiji’s fingers are rubbing delicately at his face- is he crying?

“Aslan. I will say your name as many times as you need, and I will be your home as long as you want me to be. You deserve this, okay? But you do seem a little emotional, do you want to stop?”

Ash shakes his head. “Right now, I really want to be inside you. Is that okay?”

“That’s more than okay. I look forward to it.”

Consent confirmed, Ash reaches for the lube and the box of condoms. He quickly rolls the condom onto himself, the action unfortunately second nature to him. Still, he makes sure to be gentle with Eiji every single time. He relishes in the soft, anticipatory sighs, and even this makes him sentimental.

The idea of both of them wearing condoms seemed such a simple concept, and yet it had never once occurred to Ash until the first time they’d attempted giving each other hand jobs, and Ash had recoiled at the idea of Eiji coming. More specifically, he abhorred the idea of the spend lingering on his skin, immediately flashing back to horrific nights of cruel, looming figures’ mistreatment. Shame, followed by a flash of fear of retribution immediately had him raising his hands in forgiveness when he realized what he’d done. Quickly surmising the situation, Eiji had tucked himself in and wiped his hands on his nearby shirt. After they spent time helping slow Ash’s anxious heart, Eiji thoughtfully had a suggestion.

Might it help if we both wore condoms every time we were not in the shower? Then you won’t have to see or clean up. No messes. And if there’s an incident, I will handle it. You will not have to worry.

It’s with this level of thoughtfulness that Ash strokes Eiji, making sure every twist of his wrist elicits an encouraging whimper or gentle cry. He’s rewarded with a desperate grasp of hands on his back, one distinct stroke causing nails to claw into his shoulder blades.

“Careful with the nails, onii-chan; contrary to popular belief, I do bleed red,” he jokes. He’s got to find a time this week to take off his shirt and proudly show off his marks. He’s chuckling evilly when Eiji rolls his eyes.

“Aslan, kiss me.”

“You miss me that much?”

“Kissing me stops you from talking shit.” 

Grinning, Ash teasingly leans closer, lips barely touching Eiji’s.

“Had to grab something behind you,” he whispers against the velvet lips as he grabs the lube behind him.

“You’re a menace.”

He gently pushes Eiji onto his back, rolling a condom onto his fingers before soaking it in the gel. When Eiji nods, he squeezes some onto his body, and enters a tentative- always tentative, no matter the speed they’ve chosen- finger inside. Ash moves to the slow rhythm of the music, as if he’s playing Eiji’s body itself, his moans and hisses meshing perfectly with the melody.

“Aslan, more, please-” Eiji whines, fingers clenching the sheets as he arches his back. When Ash adds a second finger, Eiji begins to writhe around him, undulating his hips. His hips- his entire body, actually- are gorgeous. Even though they all pick on Eiji for being small, Ash knows better. Within the clothes covering that small frame is a lithe, well-trained form, with firm, bitable muscles under tan skin that currently glistens thanks to his carnal ministrations. They haven’t made love for a little while, but the day that Eiji had come back from that run with Sing in those shorts, Ash had been an irrationally jealous mess. Time had gotten away from him; there were more pressing things to deal with instead of his enraged boner, but he’s been waiting to see this image under him. This image, and- in fact-

Eiji squeals in confusion when Ash pops the glasses onto his face, especially when Ash purrs in satisfaction.

“Um… As-?”

“Shhhh…let me have this.”

A rakish grin spreads across Eiji’s face. “So, if I want you to do what I want, I just need to wear the glasses?”

In response, Ash slips a third and fourth finger, watching as Eiji’s head snaps back onto the bed as he fucks his fingers more quickly.

“I’ll do whatever you want anyway, Eiji. But yes, if you want my attention, right at that moment, please wear these and call my name.”

A couple thrusts more, and a near weeping Eiji stops Ash’s hand. Before Ash can question it, he watches Eiji straddle his lap and seat himself right on Ash’s dick, tightly wrapping his legs around his waist. The speed of the penetration is enough to make Eiji quiver, and Ash rubs his back soothingly while he adjusts. Once settled, Ash leans back onto his hands, allowing Eiji the balance to move.

It’s as if they’re dancing, the way that Eiji rhythmically rises and falls onto a blissed Ash, his arms around his neck, their tongues filthily intertwined. Still, Ash can tell that Eiji is solely focused on Ash’s pleasure, and that just won’t do. He leans forward, moving his hands to squeeze around Eiji’s waist. Flexing some of his own strength, he focuses his thrusts, knowing his infamous precision is in action when Eiji begins to cry euphorically. After a couple moments, he pulls out of Eiji completely, rolling him onto his stomach and re-entering smoothly.

“Can you breathe?” he whispers hotly, bracing his arms under Eiji’s torso. Eiji leans his head up, only gasping a little but able to nod. Content, Ash rolls his hips- this position is working just as well and is a little easier on their bodies too. It grinds Eiji up against the sheets perfectly, stimulation just bordering on too much with every slow grind.

“Fuck, Aslan, yes, hai, ah-”

The headboard thumps into the wall as Eiji cries out in a mixed jumble of English and Japanese, trying to lower his head to stifle himself.

“I want to hear you, Eiji, please,” Ash grunts, kissing the warm skin. He can’t move his arms without removing Eiji’s support, but the desperate plea in his voice is enough. He’s close- he can tell that Eiji is too, from how high pitched his keening has become. “My name, please say my name some more, Eiji.”

His thrusts, once slow, have increasingly sped up to match his zealous need for pleasure, and Eiji responds in kind.

“Aslan, Aslan, ah, yes, I’m yours, Aslan please-”

It’s dangerous how much of a hold this man has over Ash. That voice alone would have Ash mow down an army of men to reach it, would move the world if it meant satisfying that need. When Ash bites down into his shoulder, Eiji tips over the edge, sobbing into his orgasm. Ash isn’t far behind, emphatically chanting ‘Eiji’ as if it were a prayer before releasing.

“I’ve got a gift for you, Eiji. Look.”

They’re curled around each other in the dark, freshly washed and well sated. Tired, yet ever curious, Eiji blinks slowly at the bright screen.

“What is it?”

“You might need real glasses, onii-chan. Look closer.”

Cutting his eyes at Ash with a scowl, Eiji leans up on his elbow. When he realizes what he’s looking at, he gasps in excitement.

“Ash! You don’t mean- is this-”

The picture is of a text thread, and at the bottom is a picture of a beaming golden retriever puppy covered in soap suds.

“Your little dumpster buddy? The one you found and took to the pound? I could tell it made you sad, and since you’ve been a little lonely when I’m not here, I figured you might like to have a companion. He’s currently at the vet for treatment, but once he gets his shots tomorrow, we can go get him.”

A sniffle makes Ash lower the phone, and he laughs out loud at the wide, teary-eyed expression Eiji wears, his lip trembling with emotion.

“Ash! Thank you!”

“Uh huh. So, what are you going to name him? I’ve been calling him ‘Eiji’s Little Dumpster Buddy’ in all of these text messages, but I’m sure you have a better name in mind.”

“You’re so cruel with your teasing! ‘Buddy’ works just fine- you wouldn’t want to be called ‘Little Dumpster’ and that’s where I found you!”

Jaw dropped, Ash recoils in playful insult. “Excuse me? You’ve gotten spoiled! That bar is one of the best in that neighborhood!”

“Whatever you say!”

Ash pounces on Eiji, grasping him in a light headlock until Eiji wrestles out of if it with a firm pillow to the face, then squeezes him into a hug.

“Thank you so much. This gift means a lot, even when it’s coming from such an ass.”

Ash melts into his arms, preening into the affection. “Mhm. And soon, we’ll be able to take Buddy and travel anywhere we want. I’m so close to tying up loose ends here, I promise.”

“I believe you, and I can wait. Now I’ll have Buddy, so it’s easier. I can’t wait to introduce him to everyone.”

“You, snacks, and an adorable puppy? You’re determined to eradicate New York gang life, huh?”

“Well, I ‘tamed’ the infamous Ash Lynx- I can do anything, and everyone in this city knows it.” Starting, Ash gapes at Eiji’s smug face. “Good night, Ash.” He turns over in the covers, leaving Ash aghast at the pure confidence.

“Why do you sound so sure about that? I have a reputation to uphold! Eiji. Eiji!”